The Art of Asking – Book Review

The full title of today’s book review is The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer.

Isn’t that a lovely idea?

How often do we think people won’t want to help us, or that we’re supposed to do everything ourselves.

And if you enjoyed the direct tone of Jen Cincero’s You Are A Badass books, you’ll love Amanda Palmer’s writing.

Who Is Amanda Palmer?

She is a musician and has toured extensively and played with many well known names including David Bowie and Cyndi Lauper.

She listed a lot of interesting sounding jobs that she did before she started her band at age 25 (she was 38 at the time the book was published). She was a stripper, a live statue, and a clothing check girl at a fetish party among many other jobs.

From this path, she learned how to ask for help.

The Building Block of Any Relationship

When you can ask for help, you’re building up trust and understanding in relationships.

Amanda learned how much her core fan base loved her when over 25,000 backed her Kickstarter campaign to help fun her next album independently. She had a fierce battle with her recording label, and needed to start from scratch.

Nurturing Her Inner Entrepreneur

Amanda graduated from college wanting to find a way to support herself but wanting to avoid a JOB job. While she was scooping ice cream and making coffee, she got an idea.

She preferred looking for clothes in the Garment District of Boston, and was able to find a bridal gown for $29. She got the idea of being a living statue, and started earning good money.

That was when she realized she doesn’t have to have a boss. She doesn’t have to follow someone else’s schedule. And no one could ever fire her.

Her first lesson from being a statue

One important life lesson she learned was that all of us come from some place of wanting to be seen, accepted, understood, and make connections.

Amanda made the connections with the people who gave her money when she would offer them a flower in return. She truly felt like she was connecting with a random stranger without words.

And she learned to be thankful for each time she was able to give the flower.

Her second lesson from busking

The second important lesson she learned was the difference between asking and begging.

Asking is a collaboration. Asking acknowledges the value of the requester.

Begging provides no value to the giver.

Asking creates a relationship. It’s an act of trust and intimacy. Begging is brought on by fear and desperation.

Letting Go of the Shame

Amanda has an interesting way of facing things that could cause most people to feel shame.

Shame is when we feel humiliation and distress from how people respond to our actions.

When Amanda had her band Dresden Dolls, she’d receive hate mail telling her how bad she was. The hate mail would point out lots of flaws in her abilities, her looks and her attitude.

Instead of feeling shame, Amanda set up a page on her website and posted the emails. She felt that the only way she could release feeling bad was by airing the emails out for all to see.

She was able to find the humor in it while trusting and sharing it with her tribe of fans.

Releasing Guilt from Your Choices

You make choices every day. Some seem to work out well, and others don’t. It’s good to view the choices that didn’t work out well as lessons and stepping stones, and not something to feel guilty about.

Amanda also talked about how important it was to let go of feeling like you needed to know it all and do it all.

If I were to sum up this book, I’d say she was teaching that when you ask someone for help, you’re building a stronger relationship with them.

People usually want to feel needed and liked. By asking someone for something, you’re affirming that they’re needed and that you like and trust them.

Then you can return the favor. It doesn’t have to be with the same person. But when you open your heart, you’ll find many opportunities to connect.

Impostor Syndrome

Many of us often feel like we’re pretending to be adults. We pretend that we know what we’re doing. And some day, the Fraud Police will pop out and accuse us of being impostors.

Every single one of us has suffered from this.

Asking for help is not admitting you’re an impostor. It’s admitting you are a human being and you need something.

There’s no shame in that.

My Final Thoughts

This is an unusual book. It doesn’t have chapters. It’s more of a stream of consciousness discussion of Amanda Palmer’s inner conflicts with accepting help when she needed it the most yet wanting to help others whenever she could.

I loved her quote on the impostor syndrome:

The professionals know they’re winging it.
The amateurs pretend they’re not.

Read this book if you want to feel like you’re having a conversation with a best friend. If you’re looking for a structured book with specifics on how to learn to ask, you will probably be disappointed.

I did enjoy getting in the head of someone who is well known for her unusual yet successful marketing, as well as her fearlessness. I want to try being more courageous now.